Blended Families
I can remember about 20 years ago or more, when someone made the comment of a blended family they were referring to an interracial couple. In our world today, the term blended family has a new meaning and an entirely different look. Our blended families today are those families that have joined together in marriage and have brought with them children from a previous marriage. It is a intertwining of family units and it brings its own unique issues and perspectives to the challenges of marriage and parenting. I have often heard that one cannot counsel on something that they have not been subjected to. This is an area that I have been subjected to and have been successfully married to my second wife for over 29 years. It has not been an easy road but it has been one filled with love, compassion for one another, and the love for Christ above all else. In our world today were 50% of marriages end up in divorce and 60% of second marriages end up in divorce it just goes to show that we are often delusion when we enter into a marriage and have not thought out the consequences of our actions. We are to take all matters before the Lord and I often wonder how many times in the second marriages that we have done that.
A blended family is one of the toughest and challenging relationships that one will ever experience. It is not just the coming together of man and wife and their own children but it is also bringing in to the equation the ex-husband and ex-wife and their extended family as well. When it comes time for the holidays and for vacations, it will always be a struggle and challenge to share our children with one another. We become so obsessed with what our ex-spouse is getting and what we are not. We become self-centered about our children when in fact it is not our children’s feelings, wants and desires that we are taken in consideration when we try to work out differences. I have seen it many times to where parents will argue to the point of causing psychological damage to their child just so they can say they won. When entering into a blended family marriage one must first have clearly and cleanly separated from the previous marriage. One must also be unselfish, humble, and willing to put their children’s best interest before their own personal feelings. They must be willing to be patient and take a backseat to others. It takes special people to make a blended marriage work, but mostly it takes a confession of their sins from their prior divorces, repentance of these sins, and a re-dedication of their life to Christ with an invitation to the Holy Spirit to the marriage.
In our experience, we made many mistakes early on but were able to learn from them. One thing that we did that was the right thing to do was to sit down and explain to each other our expectations of one another and where we stood compared to the children. It is my firm belief that no man or wife should come between a child and their parent. We made this clear from the very beginning that when it came to our children, they came first and we came second. This was not easy in the beginning because as a male I wanted the explicit attention of my spouse, but would not always receive it. It took me letting go of my own personal feelings so that her child may enjoy the love and companionship of her mother and father. So when it comes to blending marriages, there are a few things we feel that are important.
1. Set Clear Expectations: this should be done prior to any talk of marriage and it should include relationships with their biological children, your stepchildren, the ex-spouses, the extended families of the ex-spouses, and your roles as husband and wife when it comes to dealing with all of these issues. There are many times that two people will blended family based on a love for each other but have not considered the consequences of all the other parties involved. This is one of the main reasons that Christ hates divorce. It destroys families, and leaves children wondering who to follow and which way to go unless Christ is the leader of their home.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: as with any child, boundaries are crucial to the rearing of them and to the discipline of them. There must be a common ground set on boundaries and it must be respected by all parties involved. To have a child grounded at one home that visit another and not be grounded is sending a mixed message and confusing the child but also teaching the child that they can manipulate and put one parent against the other in order to get their way.
3. Respect Your Step-children’s Biological Parent: to your stepchild their biological parent is someone they look up to and cherish. It is not a reflection of how bad you are as a stepparent but of how much they love the real parents and this love should be encouraged even if it causes you pain. As I used to tell my stepdaughter, she has a father and I am only here in case he cannot be. That is why we’re called stepfathers, because we “step in” when the real father cannot be there but we “step out” when the real father is there so that he may have his time with his child. This can be very difficult dependent upon the personalities of the individuals. But this should not be a factor when it comes to our children, because it is what is in the best interest for our children that should come first not our own personal feelings.
4. Respect Your Spouse’s Relationship with the Ex-Spouses Extended Family: it is in our human nature to be jealous and also suspicious when it comes to situations such as this. But we must remember that our spouse may have divorced their ex-spouse but the children still have strong ties to the extended family and your spouse may also have strong ties to the extended family dependent upon the amount of years they were married prior to the divorce. One cannot expect a spouse to just stop a relationship that has been going on for years. We must learn to trust our spouses and be comfortable with ourselves to know that at the end of the day it will be us they are coming home to.
5. Make Alone Time For The Marriage: a common mistake made in blended marriages is not taking time to nurture and cherish one another and invest time and energy into the marriage. A blended marriage can stretch you many different directions, often traveling different directions at the same time, and can leave you distraught over all the adversity you have to overcome. It is crucial in any marriage to have date nights or weekend getaways but in the blended family, it is critical and a requirement to have this if the marriage is to last. Burnout comes quickly in these marriages and along with that comes withdrawal, lack of communication, and eventually resentment. But each of these things can be quickly work through as long as we are investing in our marriage by giving each other time alone to reconnect and revitalize.
6. This Must Be A Christ Led Family: for only He can truly show us the light of our ways and direct us down the correct path. According to Isaiah 1:18 “come now, let us reason together says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are read as Crimson they shall be like wool.” Only he can atone for the sins that we have committed prior and only he can give us the forgiveness that allows us to forgive ourselves so that we can move forward and follow Him in all that we do. We must also remember what is written in 1 John 1:9, “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. We must have confessed our sins from our prior marriage and divorce so that he may purify us before we enter in to another marriage.
Let us not misconstrue what is being said here. We fully believe that divorce is a sin as even Christ himself declared that he hated divorce but He loves the people going through divorce. But we must also accept the fact that there are as many divorces as there are marriages within our society and we cannot neglect nor can we ignore this fact and the thousands of people it affects. Christ did not come to our world to save those already saved, but to save the life of sinners and to help them understand the truth, the light, and the way. This is our mission at GRACE is YOURS, to help you find the truth, the light, and the way that God meant us to live our lives even though we have been sinful and continue to be sinful. If you are in a relationship and both parties have children from previous marriages, please let us help by counseling with you on the many difficulties you will face prior to uniting in marriage only to find yourselves overwhelmed and distraught. God can make this second marriage a blessing but only if He is first in the marriage and He is in control. So let us help you before you make that step only to end up as another statistic of divorce and add to the psychological scarring of your children.
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding” (Ephesians 1:7-8)
A blended family is one of the toughest and challenging relationships that one will ever experience. It is not just the coming together of man and wife and their own children but it is also bringing in to the equation the ex-husband and ex-wife and their extended family as well. When it comes time for the holidays and for vacations, it will always be a struggle and challenge to share our children with one another. We become so obsessed with what our ex-spouse is getting and what we are not. We become self-centered about our children when in fact it is not our children’s feelings, wants and desires that we are taken in consideration when we try to work out differences. I have seen it many times to where parents will argue to the point of causing psychological damage to their child just so they can say they won. When entering into a blended family marriage one must first have clearly and cleanly separated from the previous marriage. One must also be unselfish, humble, and willing to put their children’s best interest before their own personal feelings. They must be willing to be patient and take a backseat to others. It takes special people to make a blended marriage work, but mostly it takes a confession of their sins from their prior divorces, repentance of these sins, and a re-dedication of their life to Christ with an invitation to the Holy Spirit to the marriage.
In our experience, we made many mistakes early on but were able to learn from them. One thing that we did that was the right thing to do was to sit down and explain to each other our expectations of one another and where we stood compared to the children. It is my firm belief that no man or wife should come between a child and their parent. We made this clear from the very beginning that when it came to our children, they came first and we came second. This was not easy in the beginning because as a male I wanted the explicit attention of my spouse, but would not always receive it. It took me letting go of my own personal feelings so that her child may enjoy the love and companionship of her mother and father. So when it comes to blending marriages, there are a few things we feel that are important.
1. Set Clear Expectations: this should be done prior to any talk of marriage and it should include relationships with their biological children, your stepchildren, the ex-spouses, the extended families of the ex-spouses, and your roles as husband and wife when it comes to dealing with all of these issues. There are many times that two people will blended family based on a love for each other but have not considered the consequences of all the other parties involved. This is one of the main reasons that Christ hates divorce. It destroys families, and leaves children wondering who to follow and which way to go unless Christ is the leader of their home.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: as with any child, boundaries are crucial to the rearing of them and to the discipline of them. There must be a common ground set on boundaries and it must be respected by all parties involved. To have a child grounded at one home that visit another and not be grounded is sending a mixed message and confusing the child but also teaching the child that they can manipulate and put one parent against the other in order to get their way.
3. Respect Your Step-children’s Biological Parent: to your stepchild their biological parent is someone they look up to and cherish. It is not a reflection of how bad you are as a stepparent but of how much they love the real parents and this love should be encouraged even if it causes you pain. As I used to tell my stepdaughter, she has a father and I am only here in case he cannot be. That is why we’re called stepfathers, because we “step in” when the real father cannot be there but we “step out” when the real father is there so that he may have his time with his child. This can be very difficult dependent upon the personalities of the individuals. But this should not be a factor when it comes to our children, because it is what is in the best interest for our children that should come first not our own personal feelings.
4. Respect Your Spouse’s Relationship with the Ex-Spouses Extended Family: it is in our human nature to be jealous and also suspicious when it comes to situations such as this. But we must remember that our spouse may have divorced their ex-spouse but the children still have strong ties to the extended family and your spouse may also have strong ties to the extended family dependent upon the amount of years they were married prior to the divorce. One cannot expect a spouse to just stop a relationship that has been going on for years. We must learn to trust our spouses and be comfortable with ourselves to know that at the end of the day it will be us they are coming home to.
5. Make Alone Time For The Marriage: a common mistake made in blended marriages is not taking time to nurture and cherish one another and invest time and energy into the marriage. A blended marriage can stretch you many different directions, often traveling different directions at the same time, and can leave you distraught over all the adversity you have to overcome. It is crucial in any marriage to have date nights or weekend getaways but in the blended family, it is critical and a requirement to have this if the marriage is to last. Burnout comes quickly in these marriages and along with that comes withdrawal, lack of communication, and eventually resentment. But each of these things can be quickly work through as long as we are investing in our marriage by giving each other time alone to reconnect and revitalize.
6. This Must Be A Christ Led Family: for only He can truly show us the light of our ways and direct us down the correct path. According to Isaiah 1:18 “come now, let us reason together says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are read as Crimson they shall be like wool.” Only he can atone for the sins that we have committed prior and only he can give us the forgiveness that allows us to forgive ourselves so that we can move forward and follow Him in all that we do. We must also remember what is written in 1 John 1:9, “if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness”. We must have confessed our sins from our prior marriage and divorce so that he may purify us before we enter in to another marriage.
Let us not misconstrue what is being said here. We fully believe that divorce is a sin as even Christ himself declared that he hated divorce but He loves the people going through divorce. But we must also accept the fact that there are as many divorces as there are marriages within our society and we cannot neglect nor can we ignore this fact and the thousands of people it affects. Christ did not come to our world to save those already saved, but to save the life of sinners and to help them understand the truth, the light, and the way. This is our mission at GRACE is YOURS, to help you find the truth, the light, and the way that God meant us to live our lives even though we have been sinful and continue to be sinful. If you are in a relationship and both parties have children from previous marriages, please let us help by counseling with you on the many difficulties you will face prior to uniting in marriage only to find yourselves overwhelmed and distraught. God can make this second marriage a blessing but only if He is first in the marriage and He is in control. So let us help you before you make that step only to end up as another statistic of divorce and add to the psychological scarring of your children.
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding” (Ephesians 1:7-8)
"if you were perfect, you could pick and marry the right person. But since you're not, you'll pick the wrong person-who, of course, in God's economy is the right person. That is, the right person to help God reveal what you didn't know about your selfishness or frailities or limitations and to grow you beyond them. Furthermore, God will use the journey of marriage and becoming a blended family to sharpen you, refine you, and teach you how to love with humility, sacrifice, and surrender just as Christ has loved you. That is, God will do all these things if you let Him." Ron Deal
Suggested Reading
Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L. Deal
