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How Can I Love Others if I Don’t Love Myself?

10/30/2019

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How Can I Love Others if I Don’t Love Myself?
 
This is a question I have wrestled with for many years. It’s a question I have never heard addressed in the pulpit, yet there are many who fit into this category and wonder the same question. For the Christian, we contemplate whether or not we can accept the diagnosis of a mental health issue when our peers will lean towards it being a spiritual issue. I’ve heard the comments, “you need to read your Bible more,” “you need more faith and hope in God,” and my favorite “you just need to pray harder.” I do not doubt that God can heal all things but in a fallen world, we live in fallen bodies that are flawed from generations of abuse, dietary issues, illnesses, disease, and misguided morals. What are we to do?

Jesus tells us what the most important commands are and that in these, the law is fulfilled:

37 Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” (Matt. 22:37-40, NLT)

As a Christian, it is our desire to do what Christ commands us to do, but what if there is that internal struggle that causes depression, low self-esteem, low self-worth and self-doubt. I have personally experienced all of these in my life and know what it’s like to try to love others when you don’t love yourself. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (Unipolar Depression today) in my early thirties and have struggled to understand and live out this command. Through my own experience and in my working with others who have similar struggles, I believe it comes down to two things: a physiological reason resulting in a mental health issue, and a spiritual struggle.

I have worked with many people who suffer from an undiagnosed mental health issue. These people will often self-medicate through various means causing some to suffer from addictions, and others to live a life of misery. It is my personal opinion that when God created man and woman, we were perfect at that time. It was after the fall of mankind and the ejection from the Garden of Eden that the change in the human body began. Whether it be through inbreeding, disease, exposure to dangerous elements or sin itself, our bodies have become flawed and we must look at the physiological symptoms of people to see if they can benefit from medication management in dealing with a mental illness condition. The Bible even tells us to benefit wise counsel in our life, “The instruction of the wise is like a life-giving fountain; those who accept it avoid the snares of death.” (Pro. 13:14).  It is through doctors and counselors that we can find the solution that will start us out on a new path.

Depression seems to be the most prevalent mental health issue that hinders our ability to love ourselves and love others. Depression is often misunderstood, and many suffer from it, but do not realize it. The Mayo Clinic list the following symptoms and conditions under the heading of depression:

“Although depression may occur only once during your life, people typically have multiple episodes. During these episodes, symptoms occur most of the day, nearly every day and may include:
  • Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
  • Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
  • Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
  • Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
  • Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
  • Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
  • Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
  • Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
  • Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
  • Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
  • Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
For many people with depression, symptoms usually are severe enough to cause noticeable problems in day-to-day activities, such as work, school, social activities or relationships with others. Some people may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Depression symptoms in children and teens
Common signs and symptoms of depression in children and teenagers are similar to those of adults, but there can be some differences.
  • In younger children, symptoms of depression may include sadness, irritability, clinginess, worry, aches and pains, refusing to go to school, or being underweight.
  • In teens, symptoms may include sadness, irritability, feeling negative and worthless, anger, poor performance or poor attendance at school, feeling misunderstood and extremely sensitive, using recreational drugs or alcohol, eating or sleeping too much, self-harm, loss of interest in normal activities, and avoidance of social interaction.

Depression symptoms in older adults
Depression is not a normal part of growing older, and it should never be taken lightly. Unfortunately, depression often goes undiagnosed and untreated in older adults, and they may feel reluctant to seek help. Symptoms of depression may be different or less obvious in older adults, such as:
  • Memory difficulties or personality changes
  • Physical aches or pain
  • Fatigue, loss of appetite, sleep problems or loss of interest in sex — not caused by a medical condition or medication
  • Often wanting to stay at home, rather than going out to socialize or doing new things
  • Suicidal thinking or feelings, especially in older men” (MayoClinic.org, 10/30/2019)

As you can see, depression can manifest itself in varying ways within the human body. It is a necessity to diagnose depression in a person in order for the proper medication management to begin. Without the proper medicine, people will continue to struggle with God’s command leading them into a life of confliction. In some, they turn to alcohol or drugs to self-medicate and eliminate the struggle of depression. In others, they may turn to the behavioral addiction such as pornography, gambling, food, etc.  Once the diagnosis of depression is reached and proper medication is established, the person’s addiction becomes easier to control and eventually end. As Christians in the church, we need to accept that mental health is a real thing, a real issue, but is manageable with the proper treatment.

So where does the spiritual struggle fit into all of this. Those who are dealing with mental health issues struggle spiritually because they feel they are not worthy of love, and God is a distant figure who cannot help. Once we begin the proper treatment for the individual, the internal struggles in the mind begin to settle down allowing ourselves to be able to concentrate and meditate on God’s Word. When we are depressed, we cannot fathom a God that loves unconditionally as ours does. We feel dirty and not worthy of his love and we feel he cannot forgive the many sins we have committed. But that is the depression talking and not God.

As our minds become more clearer, the Word becomes more meaningful and understanding. We begin to learn of God’s love for us, and it is through His love for us, that we begin to love ourselves, and then love others. In Ephesians 3:14-19, Paul explains it well:

14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

As we draw from the inner strength of the Holy Spirit, we are able to look over our flaws to love ourselves, and then, begin to love others. For me personally, this journey took many years and many different medications until we were able to establish the right dosage. It took the right dosage to achieve the thought process that I was normal, I did have value, and my life did matter. With all these things in place, I was able to go to God’s Word and hear Him speak to me as I read His Word.

If you are one of the many who struggle with the command to love others because you don’t love yourself, look at the symptoms of depression and see if they fit; seek medical help and therapeutic counseling to help you get your thought processes back on track. God has a better life for you, but you must first recognize your flaws and seek help so that your mind is ready, willing and able to accept the Word of God that will bring you to know true love for yourself and others.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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The Power and need of confession

4/1/2019

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The Power and Need of Confession
 
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
James 5:16

We were not meant to keep secrets, even about our most shameful acts. God calls us to be connected, to bear one another’s burdens, and to reopen the eyes of our hearts.

We may decide that since we can see our own faults and God knows it all anyway, we don’t have to be vulnerable to another person. Such pride and ego block our spiritual growth and keep us at the distance from God and others.

It is easy to keep the veil over our eyes and eyes of others as we remain in the shadows of denial. Our pride and shame become more ingrained when we avoid facing up to our actions or claiming who we really are.

When we are finally able to share face-to-face with God and with others, the miracle of being accepted for who we really are – defects assets, and all, results in us coming to the realization that we are part of the human race which is fallen and sinful. It is when we share with God and with other Christians that the façade we have built around us will crumble and fall and we will realize the freedom we have in being vulnerable and open to one another.

In bearing our hearts with one another and God, we cleanse our hearts of resentments, bitterness, fears, and judgments and make room for the truly useful and good things God has for us. Our character assets will be more readily apparent to others and more available to God. But in bearing our transgressions with God and another, we must be sure this other person is someone who is more interested in our spiritual wholeness and our freedom than in our individual transgressions.

By admitting and examining the specifics of our sin, we find a pathway to the deeper core problems that lead us to wrongdoing. As we come to know the truth about ourselves, “the truth will set us free” (John 8:32). A wall that has stood between ourselves, others, and God will come down. We can face our past, pain, and shame, with a new attitude. A sense of humility and gratitude begins to form. We find that God does not give up on us, and that his compassion is unending.

After our confession we must learn to accept forgiveness from God and from others. It is not always easy to simply accept forgiveness – not avoiding or refusing, but just receiving. As we do so, we begin to see ourselves in better perspective as being neither better nor worse than others. We are just human beings trying to grow up and get along in the world.

This pathway leads to freedom and brings great rewards. Instead of being more self-focused, we become less selfish. Instead of becoming more concerned about our image, we can be more real with others. Instead of being self-destructive, we have a new found self-respect.

It is through our confession to God and another that leads us to becoming transparent and vulnerable, breaking down the wall between God and ourselves, allowing God to work through us to become the person he created us to be.
 

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If Only…When Discord Enters a Relationship

9/28/2017

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If Only…
When Discord Enters a Relationship
 
            Today is another day, and with it comes another session working with a couple who have come for help with problems in their relationship. As I sit and listen, there is a common factor that comes out of almost every problem within a relationship. As I speak to the male, he will state “if only she_____”, and when I turn to the female of the couple, she will also reiterate “if only he _____”.  When I deal with issues in relationships, the word “if” always comes up. That particular word often leads to unmet expectations. It is often that these expectations are either not communicated, or achievable. With each couple, I like to break down the word if into an acronym to help them define their issues so they may work through them. The word “if” can be broken down into the acronym:
            I = Interfering
            F = Factor
By looking at the word “if” as an interfering factor of the relationship, then we can define what the real problem is. In the majority of the cases I work with, that factor inevitably circles around to the lack of being able to communicate properly. In other cases, the interfering factor can be the intrusion of in-laws, addictions of any kind, difference in backgrounds, financial, and unmet expectations.

            In order to understand the communication problem that often occurs between men and women, we must turn to Ephesians 5:33 which states “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”. (NLT). It is in this verse that Paul differentiates the requirements of proper communication between husband and wife. To put it simply, the wife desires love in the relationship, while the husband desires respect. It is this difference that often leads to discord within a marriage or relationship.

     Many women do not understand the effect of how they communicate to their husband may come across to him as disrespectful. When a husband feels disrespected, it is difficult for him to love his wife as he loves himself. Men have a tendency to interpret any type of criticism by their wife as contempt, a sign of disrespect, which leads to feeling they are not being loved. It is to the point that many men will feel like they are being looked down on by their wives, and they will start using tactics to deal with this criticism. What the husband sees as criticism by the wife, the wife sees as an attempt to be caring and loving by communicating what they need or desire. One of the main tactics used by men is called “stonewalling”. This is where the man just stares off into space or into the TV, pretends to be listening and agreeing with what’s being said but on the inside is being hurt or angered because of the disrespect they are feeling. Eighty-five percent of men use the stonewalling method during communications with their wives. This method does not solve the problem but increases the tension within the marriage and has now become that interfering factor.

Wives have the desire to talk in order to release their emotions. If they are not allowed to express their feelings, and emotions, they become like a teakettle that is ready to explode. And when they do explode, unfortunately it is usually the husband that is the recipient of what comes out. What wives tend to look for in their husband is that they will “dwell” with him for a short period through this conversation in order to discover where her heart is. It is through these conversations that women may seem out-of-control by their husbands, when in reality their motive is to connect with them in love. Many wives also make the mistake of thinking that there husband understands what they’re saying or is able to read their mind. After all, she is not speaking in a foreign language, and if he paid attention, he would know what she means. 

We are all born with 99% of the same DNA. It is at 1% that makes us different, and allows us to be an individual. It is the responsibility of both the husband, and wife to learn how to communicate appropriately to one another. Husband must explain to his wife in a loving manner when he feels her comments are being disrespectful. A wife must also be able to express to her husband when she feels unloved by his words and actions. It is this ability to identify the interfering factor (IF) that will allow them to properly communicate their needs and desires within the marriage. But it does not stop there. There is that other word that always follows “if”, and that word is “only”.

In defining the IF, we need to understand what the reaction is when the interfering factor is not resolved. That action, I use the word “only” as an acronym for:
O = Once
N = Named
L = Leaves
Y = Yearning
Once the IF is determined, the spouses have the ability to feed the desire of their mate in order to help resolve the issues at hand. Once we have named what the interfering factor is, it is now up to the individuals to eliminate the IF.

The interfering factor leads to a yearning on the part of a spouse. We must understand the definition and terminology of what it means to “yearn” for something. There are many words associated with the word yearn. To yearn for something can also mean to:
  1. Have a longing or craving for something you do not have or are not receiving in your relationship
  2. Have a strong thirst, hunger, or craving for something you need from your spouse or your mate in your relationship.
  3. Be infatuated, attracted to, or have a strong desire for something you don’t have or are not getting in your relationship
Yearnings normally do not go away until they are satisfied. By identifying your IF, couples have the ability to come together to fulfill and eliminate the yearnings they have within the relationship. If this does not happen, then the individuals will seek elsewhere. It is in these situations where the breakdown of the marriage will often lead to an extramarital affair. If our mate is not understanding, willing, or able to fulfill our yearnings, then we will turn to other things to fulfill them. It will not always be another person; it can be a physical item or addiction.

There are situations where the IF is something that is illegal, immoral, or impossible to be fulfilled by their mate. In these cases, I strongly suggest the couple work with the counselor on an individual level, as well as a couple’s level. It is only through the understanding of the needs and desires of our mates that we can be successful in coming together as one in order to glorify God with our marriage.
 
We all need to remember that we are broken individuals, and we cannot fix one another; only God can do that. But we can be an example of the unconditional love given to us by Christ, to our mate, in coming together as one, and glorifying God with our marriage.  It is in a Casting Crowns song that sums up what marriage really is.  The title is “Broken Together” and the chorus is:

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I’ll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we’ll last forever is broken together

We are broken, and we cannot complete each other as this world likes for us to believe.  It is only God that can complete us, and that is when we enter heaven to be by His side.  Until then, we can be broken together, working together to eliminate the IF ONLY’s.
 
 
           

"broken together" by casting crowns

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The Shampoo Gospel

9/20/2017

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The Shampoo Gospel

 “In those days Israel had no king; all the people did whatever seemed right in their own eyes.” (Judges 17:7, NLT)

As a pastoral counselor, I have the privilege of listening to different people explain and express their viewpoints. It is during these conversations that I will often hear people express viewpoints that are not in line with the Bible, but they have convinced themselves they are. I have also had the privilege of working with various churches, and listening to their pastors as they preach to their congregation. I have been in churches that were growing, that were stagnant, that were declining, and churches that were godly. In my opinion, there seems to be a common element in today’s society that has crept into our churches, and for some of these churches, it is the reason for growth. There are many names for this movement, such as the “positive” gospel, but I have deemed to call it the “shampoo” Gospel.

Since my move to Hickory, NC, I have been blessed with some down time since I have not started my counseling ministry here. It has allowed me to spend time with God, and to reflect over the past several years of what I believe God has been showing me. One of the key points that seems to be missing in our churches today that are growing, is the true definition and reflection of what repentance is, and how it intertwines with your salvation. In my work counseling others, I have seen the trend of people caught in a perpetuation of sin. In other words, it is like they are following the instructions on the shampoo bottle. When reading your instructions on how to shampoo your hair, it specifies “lather, rinse, and repeat”. What I have been seeing is Christians who are following a similar doctrine except it is more like “sin, repent, and repeat”. When I press these individuals on their perpetuation of sin, it is almost inevitable that I will hear that one comment which always makes me cringe; “once saved, always saved”. What I have seen in the churches which are growing is a lack of preaching/teaching the meaning and responsibility of repentance in correlation to your salvation. The lessons being taught in these churches tend to lean away from repentance, because it does have a negative connotation; but true salvation is not possible without true repentance. True repentance is not saying you’re sorry, and then repeating the same mistake over and over again. Our God is full of grace and mercy, but he also requires obedience. God does not accept the shampoo Gospel of “sin, repent, and repeat”. God expects that you honor your word to him, that you are truly sorry (a godly sorrow), and that you will turn away from what was controlling you, in order to turn towards him.

So what is repentance? When speaking about repentance, we must stick to the biblical meaning, and not allow it to intertwine with the secular meaning. The secular meaning of repentance is deep sorrow or a regret of the previous action (Dictionairy.com, 2017). For many of us, we have accepted the secular definition without realizing it because it only requires us to recognize the regret or sorrow from our previous action, while not calling for us to turn away from it, and not to repeat it. When we look at repentance from a biblical standpoint, the definition goes a little deeper, and a little longer. Repentance is a turning away from sin, disobedience, or rebellion while turning back towards God (Matt. 9:13, Luke 5:32). Repentance is more than a change of mind or a feel of remorse for past conduct, it is a godly sorrow for the sin that we have committed, and in recognizing the sin, we turn around and go the opposite direction, causing a fundamental change in ourselves, and our relationship with God (Youngblood et al., 1995). It is true repentance that God is looking for, and expects from us if we are to be obedient to him.

There are many who do not realize the importance of repentance with in their salvation. For those people, they need to only look as far as John the Baptist in the New Testament. The keynote of John the Baptist preaching was “repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand” (Matt.3:2). To the many who came to him to be baptized, and watched others baptized, he declared “bear fruits worthy of repentance” (Matt. 3:8).  The NLT translation states it as “Prove by the way you live that you have repented of your sins and turned to God”.  I like the NLT translation for this particular verse because it brings up the main point of repentance. Prove by the way you live, and you shall show others whether you have truly repented or not. The definition cannot get much simpler than that.

It started with John the Baptist calling for repentance, and then was continued when Jesus began his ministry. Jesus did not preach to the multitudes to “sin, repent, and repeat”, but to turn from wickedness, and dead works towards God, and his glory in order to achieve eternal life, and the knowledge of truth. It is stated in Matthew 4:17, “From then on Jesus began to preach, “Repent of your sins and turn to God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near.” When Jesus called for repentance, he also called for us to turn away from that sin and towards God. Once again, his message was not “sin, repent, repeat”.

It is through Jesus ‘preaching of the kingdom of God where we can see the truth that repentance and faith are two sides of the same coin. On one side of the coin is repentance (turning away from sin), and on the other side is faith (turning towards God) (Youngblood et al., 1995). It is this twofold turning, or conversion that is necessary for us to enter into the kingdom. Jesus tells us in Luke 13, unless we repent, we shall perish. It is these passages that many look over because of their negative connotation, but there is also a positive side to this. The positive side is from Luke 15:10, “I tell you, in the same way, there is joy in the presence of God’s angels over one sinner who repents.” It is the balance of repentance and faith that draws us closer to God, and allows us to grow in our relationship with him in order to advance the kingdom.

Repentance is also associated with prayer, belief, baptism, conversion, and is accompanied by humility. Repentance is God’s will and pleasure, as well as his command. Repentance is a gift of his sovereign love without which we cannot be saved. So we go back to that statement that always makes me cringe “once saved, always saved”. The real question is were you saved, and if so, do the actions of your life advance the kingdom of God, and produce the image of Christ in all things you do.

Dictionairy.Com. 2017. Sep  20, 2017 <http://www.dictionary.com/>.
Youngblood, R, et al. Nelson's New Illustrated Bible Dictionary. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1995.

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Warnings from Jude

5/8/2017

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"Dear friends, I had been eagerly planning to write to you about the salvation we all share. But now I find that I must write about something else, urging you to defend the faith that God has entrusted once for all time to his holy people. I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God’s marvelous grace allows us to live immoral lives." (Jude 1:3-4)
"But these people scoff at things they do not understand. Like unthinking animals, they do whatever their instincts tell them, and so they bring about their own destruction. What sorrow awaits them!" (Jude 1:10)
"They are like shameless shepherds who care only for themselves.
They are like clouds blowing over the land without giving any rain.
They are like trees in autumn that are doubly dead, for they bear no fruit and have been pulled up by the roots.
They are like wild waves of the sea, churning up the foam of their shameful deeds.
They are like wandering stars, doomed forever to blackest darkness." (Jude 1:12-13)
"These people are grumblers and complainers, living only to satisfy their desires.
They brag loudly about themselves, and they flatter others to get what they want." (Jude 1:16)
 
It has been said that history is doomed to repeat itself. As I read over the Scriptures, I am reminded of the many people who I have interacted with through my counseling ministry. In our world today, there are varying opinions on interpretations of the Bible. One of the phrases I cringe at most often is “once saved, always saved”.  This is a dangerous statement taken out of the context of what the grace of Christ means.  The true question is “were you truly saved, and do your actions reflect your acceptance of Christ as Messiah?” 
I have discovered that many Christians fall into this description in which Jude speaks.  It is not my place to judge, nor determine whether they are saved or not, but part of being a counselor is that of being a fruit inspector. In other words, does the person’s action and reaction to life circumstances reflect the transformation that comes with the true acceptance of Christ, or are they still walking as they did before. It is disheartening to see the many that fall into Jude’s passages, especially when it is the clergy of a church.  I have worked with many pastors who fall into this description, and like a plague that infects a city, their actions are reflected in the members of the church. 
It is up to the individual to do a self-reflection of their actions, and especially their reactions to life circumstances.  It is our reactions that often show our failings, and sinfulness.  As you look over these passages, be honest with yourself.  Does your life truly show a transformation of becoming more like Christ, or are you still doing the things before your acceptance of Christ.  If you are still the “old” you, then you need to repent, ask forgiveness, and accept Christ and start your “new life” in Christ.  If there was a transformation in the beginning, but you have now moved back into old habits or adapted worldly new habits, the same formula applies.  Christ is reaching out to each of us, and willing to forgive our sins, but we must be willing to submit to His will in our lives, and allow Him to transform us into the creation He made us to be.  It is my prayer, that as a country, we will wake up to the postmodern philosophies of today and return to the objective truth of God found in the bible.  Only then will we find true peace in our life that many our desperately looking for as well as the joy in life that comes with being one with Christ. All we need to do is look to Him, repent, ask forgiveness, and His grace is sufficient, but we must self-reflect on ourselves in order to tell whether or not we are following His road map, or have strayed onto the map of the world.
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Prayer:  What holds us back and what moves us forward

3/18/2017

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A common topic that I discuss with clients is their prayer life.  Prayer is something that I have struggled with over the years, and found that many other people struggle with it as well.  I am currently reading The Battle Plan for Prayer by Stephen and Alex Kendrick, and they list 10 things that lock us out of effective prayer, and then the 10 keys that open ourselves to effective prayer.  I thought I would share that in this blog to help those who struggle with their prayer life, and hopefully help them to build better relationships with Christ.

The Locks and Keys of Prayer
Over the years, we've categorized twenty of these biblical principles into what we call the "Locks and Keys" of prayer. Ten of them are principles that bog down our praying and restrict its freedom and effectiveness. The other ten, however, give prayer a burst of second wind and third wind, pushing it beyond all limits. We'll look at the ten locks of prayer first.
10 Locks of Prayer
  1. Praying without knowing God through Jesus, Prayer is obviously a fairly universal response when a person is under heavy attack. How many interior hallway closets have turned into prayer closets when a tornado is bearing down!' God, of course, can answer any request He chooses from any person who asks. But when it comes to knowing God as Father and walking with Him in answered prayer, Jesus said, I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me (John 14:6). Just as people who don't share much common ground in their relationship have a hard time keeping conversation going, those who haven't believed in God for the forgiveness of their sins cannot expect God to feel obligated to respond.
  2. Praying from an unrepentant heart. The Bible says God "knows what we are made of, remembering that we are dust" (Ps. 103:14 HCSB). He's not surprised by our struggle to remain steadfast. But He also looks at our hearts, and He knows when we are "broken" by our sin (Ps. 51:17). The trouble comes, however, when our hearts aren't broken at all—when we're cold and indifferent toward His Word and our transgressions of it. As the writer of Psalm 66 said, "If 1 had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened" (v. 18 NV). When we cling to our sin and stiff-arm God, then He Will stiff-arm our prayers until we are willing to repent. If we're determined to be the one who calls the shots in our lives, we shoot ourselves in the foot as far as our prayer is concerned.
  3. Praying for show. People who pray merely to impress others had better enjoy those people's "amens" and compliments while they last. Because according to Jesus, that's the full extent of the reward. "When you pray," He said, "you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full" (Matt. 6:5). Public prayers that have not been seasoned by private prayers are hardly worth the hot air required to speak them. Always remember, even when you're leading others in prayer, you're still addressing an audience of One.
  4. Praying repetitive, empty words. Prayer can take a lot of forms. It can be spoken off the cuff. It can be written out and read word for word. It can be so deep and heartfelt that it only comes out as single syllables. One thing that makes our praying land with a thud of wasted words is when we're talking and talking but aren't even listening to what we're saying. Jesus said, "When you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they sup-pose that they will be heard for their many words. So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him" (Matt. 6:7-8). Sure, there's discipline and duty behind prayer. We don't always feel like praying, even when we do it. But we all know when we've let prayer devolve into nothing but canned, thoughtless, mindless words. And no one— not even God—likes to be on the receiving end of that kind of thoughtless conversation.
  5. Prayers not prayed. Surely the most ineffective prayers of all are those we never even take the time to pray. As James said, "You do not have because you do not ask" (James 4:2). How many times do we just motor past Him, never braking for directions or advice, too busy and in too much of a hurry to stop and seek His counsel? We meant to pray. We thought about it. But we were never able to work it into our schedule. Therefore, we should not expect an unprayed prayer to receive anything other than unsatisfying silence.
  6. Praying with a lustful heart. Some of us never outgrow our tendency to ask God for things we want only because we think they'll be our source of happiness rather than Him. "You ask and do not receive," James said, "because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures" (James 4:3). If lust, greed, bitterness, or pride are motivations for requesting something, then God will not be pleased to respond. Like a wise parent with a pushy child, God knows what to give us for our good . . . and what not to give us for our good as well. But if we love Him most, then He takes delight in giving us good things we desire. Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."
  7. Praying while mistreating your spouse. When we're not treating with love and respect the one person in our life whom we've vowed to treat with love and respect, God makes special mention of it as an inhibitor to prayer. His warning is primarily to men: "Husbands . . . live with your wives in an understanding way . . . and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered" (1 Pet. 3:7). But the same principle obviously cuts both ways. How can we expect to be at peace with God in prayer when we are sowing disunity in our own homes? Being ugly to our wives (or husbands) is a backbreaker in prayer.
  8. Praying while ignoring the poor. Scripture is replete with the compassion of God for the poor, the needy, the helpless victim, the voiceless, and those who suffer persecution and injustice. When you show compassion to those in need, God shows favor on your requests. But the opposite is true as well. "He who shuts his ear to the cry of the poor will also cry himself and not be answered" (Prov. 21:13). If you snub the poor and destitute as if they're less than human, an eyesore—or just completely invisible—expect to feel blockage in your experience of prayer. Needy sinners like ourselves shouldn't feel more deserving of the Father's care and notice than the needy around us.
  9. Praying with bitterness in your heart toward someone. It is sinful to receive God's forgiveness, totally undeserved, and then consider ourselves exempt from the command and responsibility of forgiving others who've offended us. "Whenever you stand praying," Jesus said, "forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions" (Mark 11:25-26). Bitterness is a toxin that not only poisons us spiritually, mentally, even physically, but also poisons the effectiveness of prayer and the full experience of our relationship with God.
  10. Praying with a faithless heart. One final barrier to prayer is the basic prerequisite of belief. Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." Whenever we don't trust someone and are convinced they don't have the capability or willingness to do what they say, a breach clouds that relationship. The same thing happens when we don't believe God can help us with what we need. We should "ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind. For that man ought not to expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways" (James 1:6-8). Lukewarm belief is the weakest form of praying. Doubt locks us out of our own prayer closets.
10 Keys of Prayer
  1. Praying persistently by asking, seeking, and knocking. We're accustomed to busy people who don't have time to be interrupted. Unless, that is, the important person we're wanting to see is someone who truly loves and cares for us, which is exactly what happens in prayer. Based on this relationship—Father to child—that's why we're told to "keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened" (Matt. 7:7-8 hcsb). One of the most astonishing keys of effective prayer is to not hold back in our asking—and to keep asking, persistently, day after day. He will answer when the time is right. But we will know it's Him who's giving if we haven't given up in asking.
  2. Praying in faith. People who don't think they'll get what they pray for will likely not get what they pray for. But it's not supposed to be this way . . . God is pleased with faith. Jesus praised those who asked in faith. To fully trust Him and His Word appeals to the heart of God. Jesus said, "I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you" (Mark 11:24). Certainly we know prayer is not a magic genie lamp. But because it's based on loving relationship—the more God's Spirit communicates His will to us—we can more clearly come to know what He's wanting to give us. To know where He's wanting to take us. So we can pray with full belief that He can and will bring it to pass. That's praying in faith. And that's praying with effectiveness.
  3. Praying in secret. Jesus said in Matthew 6:6, "But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you." One of the bedrock principles of Christian living is that "whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life" (Gal. 6:7-8). To pray for show is sowing to the flesh, but to pray in secret is to approach God with greater focus and humility. For He is in the secret place with us.
  4. Praying according to God's will. Our natural tendency is to think of God's will as hidden and mysterious. However, that's not what the Bible says. By presenting ourselves to God and not being "conformed to this age," by being "transformed" with a renewed mind, we can "discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God" (Rom. 12:1-2 HCSB). So prayer waits on God to show us where He's ready for us to go (or not go). And once we sense it, "this is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him" (1 John 5:14-15). When we genuinely desire the knowledge of His will—and are committed to following it once we know it—He will inspire us with a new level of assurance in prayer.
  5. Praying in Jesus' name. Those words—"in Jesus' name"—are not just the "Sincerely Yours" at the close of our prayer. Not just the "send" button. They are reflective of an unselfish, God-honoring heartbeat within ourselves. They are a statement of both worship and admitted need. They honor His power and authority while celebrating Hi* willingness to apply them to our lives. "Whatever you ask in My name," He tells us, "that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it" (John 14:13-14). Praying in His name means to pray as He would. To pray from within our relationship with Him. We don't approach God based on our authority, our righteousness, or what we've done, but based upon Christ's and what He's done.
  6. Praying in agreement with other believers. To really zoom your prayer experiences off the charts, develop the regular habit of praying with other believers. Jesus told His disciples, "If two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst" (Matt. 18:19-20). To agree means to make a harmonious symphony. Praying in unity with one another, asking for the same thing with one heart and mind, pleases God. He loves and honors the synergy that occurs when we gather with others to pray. We should pray with a ready "Yes" and "Amen" in our hearts as others pray. Approaching our Father together. Both formally and informally. Scheduled and impromptu. The power and beauty of united prayer is a gift we too often leave untouched and unopened. Who can you begin praying with? Start with the people in your family. Consider praying together often for every need.
  7. Praying while fasting. Another overlooked key is the dedicated discipline of fasting—going without food (or some other sort of daily need) in order to focus more fully on the Lord for a concentrated period. Jesus fasted and prayed. Esther fasted and prayed. Nehemiah fasted and prayed. Acts 14:23 describes how Paul and Barnabas, in their ministry travels, would appoint elders in the various churches they were planting. Choosing the right leadership was vital. So they didn't just hold a meeting to work on their plans. They "prayed with fasting." Fasting opens up your spirit to God when you would otherwise be feeding your flesh. It clears the air of distraction. It puts seeking Hirn above all your appetites.
  8. Praying from an obedient life. "If our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight" (1 John 3:21-22). An obedient child gains great favor and freedom with his or her parent. The intimacy you desire with God travels through the connective bond of your obedience to Him. When praying from an obedient heart, we can freely make requests without shame. Working with Him instead of working against Him.
  9. Praying while abiding in Christ and His Word. Jesus said, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you' (John 15:7). Abiding means staying in close fellowship with someone. It involves spending time in God's Word, allowing it to fill our hearts and guide our thinking, walking in obedience to what He tells us to do (John 15:10), receiving God's love, then pouring it back out on Him and the people around US. (John 15:9, 12). Lastly, abiding means staying clean before God (John 15:3; 1 John 1:9) by not allowing "ungodliness" or sin to build up or go unconfessed. It is within this context that our prayer lives are opened up into a fresh vibrancy, fruitfulness, and effectiveness before God (John 15:5). John 15:7 implies that abiding in this way opens up our prayers to also ask for good things that our hearts desire.
  10. Praying while delighting in the Lord. When God becomes your greatest delight and first love above all else, then you are in a position for Him to bless you with your heart's desires. Only in receiving His salvation—replacing our hostility for righteousness with the purity of His own righteousness—do we become able to truly love Him. And in loving Him, we desire to obey Him (John 14:15), until we actually begin delighting in Him. "Delight yourself in the Lord," the Bible says, "and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Ps. 37:4). The Hebrew word for "desires" is the word for petitions. When your delight is in Him and in honoring His desires, then He takes delight in you and in honoring yours.


Kendrick, Stephen, and Alex Kendrick. The Battle Plan for Prayer. Nashville, TN: B&H Publishing, 2015.

 
 
 
 

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An Evaluation of a Christian:  Where do you Stand?

12/12/2016

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The book of 1 John describes how we can evaluate the real condition of our lives.  Deception is a powerful force, and Satan is the master deceiver who has caused many to fall under his influence.  As Christians, we are saved by grace, and we are expected to live in a new way – in relation to God and to each other.  Read the following Scriptures, and examine your life as we are in this holiday season.  Has your life been transformed by the Holy Spirit, or are you still living the life you did before accepting Christ?
  1.  This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all.  (1 John 1:5)
  2. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. (1 John 1:6)
  3. And we can be sure that we know him if we obey his commandments.  If someone claims, “I know God,” but doesn’t obey God’s commandments, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. (1 John 2:3-4)
  4. This is the message you have heard from the beginning: We should love one another.     (1 John 3:11)  But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees with his reply, they met together to question him again.  One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question:  “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the Law of Moses? “Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
  5.  If anyone claims, “I am living in the light,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is still living in darkness.  Anyone who loves a fellow believer is living in the light and does not cause others to stumble. But anyone who hates a fellow believer is still living and walking in darkness. Such a person does not know the way to go, having been blinded by the darkness.
  6. Dear children, don’t let anyone deceive you about this: When people do what is right, it shows that they are righteous, even as Christ is righteous. But when people keep on sinning, it shows that they belong to the devil, who has been sinning since the beginning. But the Son of God came to destroy the works of the devil. Those who have been born into God’s family do not make a practice of sinning, because God’s life is in them. So they can’t keep on sinning, because they are children of God.  So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.
  7.  If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?
These Scriptures may seem harsh to us, but if we embrace the truth, we will be transformed.  Jesus’ death on the cross paid the price for our sin.  His resurrection broke the power of sin and death.  In light of the power of the cross and resurrection, why would we to accept a gospel that does not transform our lives and liberate us from sin? 
As we near Christmas, and the start of a new year, reflect on these passages and ask yourself – “Am I living a new life in Christ or am I living the life I had before which is of this world?”  We must examine our life because a life unexamined is a life wasted.
 
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wHAT IS A CHRISTIAN OR PASTORAL COUNSELOR

7/8/2016

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I have found many people do not understand what the role of a Christian/Pastoral counselor is in the church, or in life.  They often comment that it is the job of the pastor to counsel his congregation.  I agree, it is PART of the pastor's job to counsel church members, but we have to consider the spiritual gifts given to us and how they apply to the individual.  Most preachers will have the gift of prophecy, teaching, evangelism, administration or serving.  Most counselors have the spiritual gifts of exhortation, mercy and serving. Each of these individuals will look at life through a different lens and how to use Scripture.  I ran across an article that helps to explain the gift of exhortation, which is what I have been gifted with, and goes through the difference in how the individual approaches life.  As I read through this article, it gave a good description of the role of a Christian/Pastoral counselor.  It is a role that I follow in my practice.  If you have ever questioned the role of the Christian/Pastoral counselor, please take time to read this article and you will be enlightened to what my role is as a Christian/Pastoral counselor.  May God bless you in all you do.

Do You Have the Spiritual Gift of Exhortation?
THE EXHORTER
Dr. Larry Gilbert

The Greek word Parakaleo means to admonish, to encourage, to beseech. The Exhorter is a “how to” person. Everything he or she teaches revolves around telling people “how to do it.” Although the gift of Exhortation has a different motivation than the gift of Teaching, it is still a teaching gift.
Exhorters often make the best counselors, because they are willing to spend time with people and give them practical steps to solve their problems. They also can see the big picture—from problem to solution.
Exhorters are people of practical application, yet are very result oriented. Everything they do must be done on a practical basis. They are not very interested in theology or doctrine, but in the practical aspects of the Scriptures. This practicality comes from a desire to teach people how to solve problems and make the necessary changes to be a more mature Christian. (Of course, they wish to be doctrinally sound, but that is not their main emphasis.) They have a strong belief that God’s Word has the answer for every problem.
If you are an Exhorter, you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by motivating others to action by urging them to pursue a course of conduct. You are the “how to” teacher, explaining how to apply God’s Word to everyday life.
Exhorters have a step for everything. If you go to them with a problem, they might say, “Do A, B, C, and come back next week for D, E, and F, and then the next week . . .” Exhorters are very simplified people who do not like a lot of details. They just give enough detail to get the job done.
Exhorters often end up teaching seminars for Christian workers, helping them achieve more in their ministries. They also make excellent teachers in Bible colleges or seminaries in the area of practical methodology.
Exhorters are also encouragers. Synonyms for “exhort” include such words as admonish, persuade, instigate, urge and appeal. These words carry a sense of urgency. When Exhorters instruct how to live and how to solve problems or to carry out God’s work, they usually also encourage the listeners to “get with it” and put the plan to work.
Another aspect of the gift involves what is commonly called motivation. True motivation comes from within a person, but Exhorters are usually able to trigger that inner motivation through encouragement, excitement, and enthusiasm.
Exhorters are usually more interested in the positive than the negative. They seldom use, “Thou shalt not” as a way to get people to act. Instead, they use ideas and methods that make the right way seem better to that person than the wrong way; or they are able to make the right way more exciting and practical. They are the encouragers and cheerleaders of the Team.

THE EXHORTER’S APPROACH TO TEACHING
Exhorters aim to present material that will enable the Holy Spirit to promote change in the student’s life. They believe the responsibility of people with the teaching gifts is to take someone who was lost and help the person to become mature in Christ, beyond just engaging in class participation or meaningful discussions. Many Teachers become bogged down with using these good teaching methods and making them the primary goals for the class.
Exhorters use Scripture as it applies to everyday living, not just Bible stories or Bible facts. Many Teachers are guilty of teaching the Bible as a storybook. People know all about Jonah and the whale, the Garden of Eden, and the dimensions of the ark. When it comes to making life decisions, however, they don’t know how to apply their knowledge. Exhorters teach beyond just how to win Bible quizzes on Sunday night—but to equip believers for the “in the trenches” realities of Wednesday morning and Tuesday evening.
New Christians need to have basic practical Christian living taught to them. This is where Exhorters help: by giving practical application to God’s Word and helping put the principles into practice. Whereas the Prophet can challenge the Christian into living right, an Exhorter can explain how to live right and encourage the person to employ tools for practical, successful living.
 

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I Just Don't  Have Time

4/21/2015

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“I Just Don’t Have Time”

As a Christian Counselor, this phrase is the one I hear the most when talking with people about their issues and what they can do to help resolve them.  As I listen to all the reasons they don’t have time, I’ll often change the subject to things they like to do or TV programs they watch on a weekly basis. I might even have them do a daily timeline of what they do each day for a week and bring it back to me to discuss the things that are taking up all their time.  In all the people I have worked with, not one time has reading the Bible been on a timeline each day or listed as an issue that is done except on Sunday.  In my working with these individuals, what will always be my first question; “Why do you not read the Bible daily or even every other day?”  Of course, I get that response – “I don’t have time.”  Then I may ask how they expect to know what God’s will for them and their family if they are not reading His Word.  Some of my favorite answers are, “I listen to Christian music and it gives me the inspiration I need” or “I pray every day for guidance”.  Well...it’s great that you listen to Christian music but that’s like going to church and leaving after the choir sings and before the preacher delivers his sermon.  It’s great that you pray every day, but how do you know what your praying is in line with God’s will if you don’t know God, and the only way to know God is through His Word. 

It seems sometimes that we are just looking for people to constantly feed us with what we need instead of taking the responsibility of feeding ourselves.  Let’s just say that we are looking for food stamps from Jesus.  I’m sorry to tell you, Jesus doesn’t give food stamps and if you want to be fed and know God, you must begin by reading His word.  The Bible tells us in Hebrews 1:1-4:

 Long ago God spoke many times and in many ways to our ancestors through the prophets. 2 And now in these final days, he has spoken to us through his Son. God promised everything to the Son as an inheritance, and through the Son he created the universe. 3 The Son radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God, and he sustains everything by the mighty power of his command. When he had cleansed us from our sins, he sat down in the place of honor at the right hand of the majestic God in heaven. 4 This shows that the Son is far greater than the angels, just as the name God gave him is greater than their names. (NLT)

God speaks to us through His Son, Jesus Christ who speaks to us through His Word; the Bible.  He reveals Himself to us through His Word as we read and meditate on what we are reading.  The Bible speaks much about meditating on Scripture and the importance of it in order to live a more pure life; one of knowing God and His will for us and peace. 

So we go back to the phrase “I just don’t have time”.  As I discuss the individual’s daily activities, I always key in on TV shows. The conversation goes like this:

Me – So, is Grey’s Anatomy more important the reading God’s Word

Client – Well no! But I need down time and it gives me pleasure to watch and relax at night.

Me – Okay – I know you have a DVR or On Demand subscription, couldn’t it be watched at a time later?

Client – Yes – but it’s not the same.  I won’t be up to date on what happened at work tomorrow when everyone’s talking about it.

Me – Okay, I understand, but let’s pray and ask for God’s guidance on this right now.  (We pray and ask for the presence of the Spirit to come amongst us and help us solve the time dilemma)

Me – I then pull an empty chair out and set beside me.  I tell the client this chair is for the Holy Spirit and as we go through your timeline, I want them to explain to Him why each of these things are more important than Him. 

Client – (deer in the headlight look)

Me - “For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.” (2 Cor. 5:10, NLT)

Yes, I know I am using the tactic of guilt and shame, but I am also being real.  I have found in my counseling, when I can get a person to set a daily time to read Scripture, there life will change over time.  They will begin finding peace in making decisions, allowing them to have more time.  Their life priorities change and they become focused on what is important to God, not this world.  I do realize it is one of the hardest things to do, but it also ONE thing you can do that will have the BIGGEST payoff in your life, and daily struggles of life. 

So – how do you find the time?  First, you must make it your first priority.  I suggest reading before your day starts in order for the Word to be with you and penetrate your day.  When I was working a job that required 14 hour days, I kept a Bible in my car and for lunch, I would drive to a local park to feed on my lunch and the Word of God.  It became something I looked forward to each day as it would bring me peace during the middle of a stressful day.  For others, reading at the end of the day works best.  It allows them to calm down and be able to sleep with peace know that God is there.  The point is...we can make time for all the other things we want to do, why can we not make time for what God wants us to do?  To answer that question, we must look into our own heart and motivations to see where our true alliance sits; with things of this world or with a relationship with Christ.  I pray that your this story helps you to search your heart and help you to prioritize your life by putting Christ first and finding the time to “Be still, and know that I am God!” (Psalms 46:10)


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Grief – Can it affect us at times other than death?

11/16/2014

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The simple answer to that is yes.  Grief is associated with loss.  Most people automatically associate grief with loss of a loved one, whether it is a family member, close relative, friend, co-worker, pet or class mate.  When we look at the association of loss and grief, it can hit us at many different times during our life without us realizing that is what we are going through.  Many people will feel like they are just going through sadness in their life, or are in a depressed mood, but don’t really know why.  Others are anxious and nervous acting and can’t explain it, while some will be angry and mad at others for no reason at all.  These people will often go to their primary care physician (PCP) and their PCP will prescribe an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety without doing a loss timeline to see if the person is suffering from unknown or unresolved grief. 

Death has dominated the focus of grief for centuries, but grief can happen anytime we lose something we value.  It does not have to die; it just has to be in our life no more.  We form many attachments to many people, places and things as we grow and develop and during this time, these attachments become a part of who we are, a part of our identity.  When they are taken away from us, we are losing a part of ourselves.  Much of this happens in our childhood, and we don’t really understand it because we are too young to be able to express and label our emotions.  As a child, we may act out, or behave differently when in reality we are grieving something that may not be apparent to the caregiver.  Here are some examples of losses we can incur during life that can cause grief, this list is not inclusive.  There is not enough paper to write down all the things that can cause one to grieve:

·       A change in school causing a loss of friends

·       Losing a job, especially if it has been a long term job

·       Moving from one town to another

·       Your youngest child leaving for college or moving off on their own

·       A child moving from middle school to high school

·       A change in positions at work, putting you with all new co-workers

·       Your best friend is school moving away

·       Your best friend in adult life moving away

·       A relocation or transfer in your job

·       A relationship breakup of any kind

·       Aging- loss of the ability to do things how we once were able to

The list goes on and on.  We each have things we become attached to, that are important to us and are valuable to us and when they are gone, we need to grieve the loss of these things.  We must first recognize the loss, accept the fact that it is a loss and then understand the grieving process.  Remember that we were made to grieve; the Bible says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matt. 5:4, NKJV).  It is properly identifying that loss and grieving over it that allows God to comfort us and free us from the pain that we suffer so that we may move forward, free from the bondage that held us.  So when you are feeling sad or depressed, think back and see if you have suffered a loss recently that might have contributed to this feeling.  If so, recognize the loss as a loss and go through the process of grief so the God may comfort you and heal you.

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Got Jesus?

10/31/2014

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 Got Jesus?

Working in the mental health allows me to see people as who they really are and how they believe. If we are successful, we are able to pull the façade down that is placed for everyone else to see and get a glimpse of the real person.  We all have our false fronts; things we do, things we say, ways we act in order to not let people know what is really going on.  It is once I am able to get to the real person; I am able to challenge them on what is called “magical thinking”.  This is where we have come to believe certain things about life, ourselves, others and God through our upbringing, that are not based on solid facts, but wishful thinking, misuse of the Bible, or catch phrases used through our time of development.  This leads me to the story of a client, when challenged on his behaviors and thoughts would always reply “I got Jesus, I don’t needy anybody else”.  Our last conversation is stuck in my mind forever and it is a mindset that many people have.  It went like this:

Client:  I got Jesus, I don’t need anybody else.

Me:  You GOT Jesus, huh?

Client:  Yeah!  I got Jesus why do I need you or anybody else!?

Me: Well…where do you “got Jesus”

Client:  Right here (pointing to his chest)

Me:  Does He always stay there

Client:  Yes – He never leaves

Me:  So…when you are smoking marijuana, partying, using foul language, gossiping about others, and drinking alcohol; is Jesus still there?

Client:  He never leaves me

Me:  Hmmm…Wouldn’t it be better if Jesus had you?

Client: (Deer in the headlight look)

This conversation shows the kind of magical thinking that many possess.  It is almost like the “God in a Box” skit I have seen many times.  That is where we keep God in a box and only pull Him out when we need Him.  All other times, we keep Him in the box so He can’t see what we are doing. 

This gentleman had also incorporated the catch phrase from years gone by of “Got Jesus?” a spinoff of “Got Milk?”  Through the years, his magical thinking skills had convinced him that as long as he had Jesus, he could live life as he pleased.

The point of my story is this; would it not be better if Jesus had us instead?  For me, I surrendered my life to Jesus.  I surrendered my heart; body and soul to Him for His glory not mine, so in reality, Jesus has me.  I know we often get caught up in catch phrases, but these phrases are devices made from the human nature that rules our world.  If used to often, they can distort the Truth and get us thinking into the wrong direction.  Let us not forget what it says in 2 Peter 1:3-11:

By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires. In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins. So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things and you will never fall away. Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Peter gives us wise words and reminds us that God called us and chose us.  In other words, “Jesus Got Us” not “I Got Jesus”.  There is a big difference between the two.  When we are in control, we only rely on Jesus in times of crisis or times of joy.  When Jesus has us, he has surrounded us with His love and grace to help and guide us to life of righteous living.  This goes along with another overused phrase today; “Jesus doesn’t want me to live a miserable life, He wants me to be happy”.  I disagree with that statement.  Jesus did not call us to be happy; He called us to be holy.  In order to be holy we must be willing to suffer trials and tribulations, be willing to sacrifice for Him and suffer ridicule from others.  None of this sounds like being happy.  We allow ourselves to get caught up in the latest trends and we need to stop, think and reach for the Bible to see if this stands on solid ground or sinking sand.  I don’t know about you, but “Jesus Got Me” and I don’t “Got Jesus”.

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What Happened to Fellowship

9/11/2014

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I’m going to preface this post by saying that I him guilty at all of the things that I am writing about. This issue that I bring up is one that I have brought up many times before and will continue to bring up because it is one that continues to cause hurt in our world whether we want to acknowledge it or not. As I stated, I am just as guilty as everyone else and the issue I’m discussing is our lack of fellowship with one another.

Let me first began by explaining what I understand to be fellowship. If we look in the dictionary will find definitions such as “the condition or relation of being a fellow”, and “friendly relationship; companionship” as well as “communion, as between members of the same church”. The definition of fellowship is based off the lone definition of fellow, so let’s look at what the word “fellow” means. According to the dictionary it is “a person of small worth or no esteem” and “a person belonging to the same rank or class; equal; peer” as well as “a companion; comrade; associate”.  If we break this down, it is a relationship or companionship between persons of the same rank, equal, and possibly a companion. Understanding this basic definition of fellowship it has and is becoming lost in our culture of today. As a matter of fact, we have become such a self-absorbed society, we think of others is often only in a fleeting moment when attention has been brought to them and then we move on to something else.         

This all comes about from my experiences over the past seven years as well as discussions that I have had with many individuals who have experienced the same thing and also many that I have counseled to help them move forward from the hurt they experienced from the lack of fellowship. Much of this comes about when one becomes ill, has surgery, or is going through life circumstances that are tragic. We often look around and will hear “if you need anything, let me know” but yet we never see the individual at our door to help. One of the things that got me thinking about this again was that our preacher was stating that for these types of individuals the most important thing we can do for them is to pray. I agree, praying is the most important thing we can do for them but the second most important thing we can do is to practice fellowship with them. There are many people who can give up 15 minutes to an hour a day to call someone who is sick, to shoot them in the mail or a text, and God forbid, actually go to their house and visit with them.  Even Christ didn’t stop when asked what the most important rule was with just one rule.  He stated the most important rule was to love God with all your heart and soul and in the second was to love your neighbor as yourself. So I ask you, have you loved your neighbor as yourself? Out of all the people that you interact with and know, how many of them have you taken time out of your busy life, to stop and visit with during a time of sickness or tragedy in their lives? I have found in my seven years that this is a rarity in our culture today. We have become so busy with our own lives that we no longer fellowship with those who need it, leaving them with hurt and dissension towards others.

We have become great at excusing ourselves from the act of fellowship. Here are many of the examples of what I have heard:

·       I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t had time but I’ve been praying for you.

·       Oh, I was wondering where you had been, my life is just so busy I can’t keep up.

·       I thought about you every day and said a prayer for you.

·       I did not want to disturb you.

·       I figured you needed the rest so I would just leave you alone.

·       I didn’t think you’d really want company during this time.

Have you caught yourself thinking these thoughts or using these excuses as reasons why you have not taken the time out of your day to fellowship with one who is in need?  Many people do not visit because they are uncomfortable dealing with such situations, but are we not call by God to comfort each other as he has comforted us. It is kind of hard to comfort someone if you do not acknowledge their pain until they are able to come back into the pathway of your busy life. This is one of the main reasons I started Gracie Is Yours, the ministry that reaches out to those that are hurting and are alone, who are in need of fellowship. I can only speak for myself when I say that during my times of pain, what I have longed for is the human connection and fellowship. The touch of another human being has healing power and can do more for that individual then one can ever imagine. As for myself, I am very thankful over these past three weeks of my healing for a couple in my neighborhood that had visited me almost daily, to bring me lunch, and fellowship. Mr. and Mrs. Bright have been a shining example of what it is to fellowship with someone who is hurting. Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Bright are part of the older population that understood the importance of fellowship, because in their day and time, that was what you did. How great it would be if we would each take just one person that we know is struggling today, and go visit that person, or call them to see how they are doing? We often talk about how can we impact the kingdom of heaven; my friends, this is one of the ways you impact the kingdom of heaven. So, my challenge is to you and myself, out of the list of names of people you hear that are going through life situations, take time out of your life to fellowship with them and comfort them in their pain as God has comforted you.You are blessed my dear friends – share those blessing with others.

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Be Still

5/23/2014

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 “Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” (Psalms 46:10, NLT)

Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. (Psalms 37:7)

The phrase “Be still” has been pounding through my head over the past few weeks.  “Be still, and know that I am God!”  What a powerful statement that is, but also one that gives us a direction on how to know that He is God – Be still.  

In my work with adolescence and emerging adults, I find this term foreign to them.  They do not know how to “be still”.  It is in those times we are still that God speaks to us, shows us this wonderful world He created, heals us, gives us peace and most of all, assures us that He is there.  I hear many complaints from older generations about the attention span of the younger because they do not know how to be still.  As I walk through a typical waiting room at any doctor/dentist office, there is the evidence that our youth do know how to be still.  We have not allowed them the time to learn how to be still so that they can hear God and know God.  Instead, we have pushed every handheld game system into their hands to keep them busy.  We have given them iPod’s to listen to music or netbooks and tablets to play games.  We fill their minds with so much technology; there is no room for anything else.  We teach them by using these devices that they must be mentally busy all the time.  When do they have time to “be still”?

I can remember as young father taking my children for hikes through our world.  We weren’t always hiking in the mountains, or following trails, sometimes it was just a simple walk through our neighborhood.  During this time we would talk about the surrounding environment, the trees, the flowers, and also that dead thing in the road.  This was a time of teaching them to be still and know God’s handiwork.  It was a time to help them learn to relax their mind and open it so that God could penetrate it.  One of my favorite things to do was to take them outside at night and stare up into the sky, gazing at the stars and the moon.  We would lay a blanket on the ground or recline back on the porch and just take in the vastness of this universe.  There was much time nothing was said, just the art of “being still” was taking place as well as gaining the peace that there is a God who created all this for us.

Spending time with my grandchildren is my happiest time of all, but they have also been infected by the technology.  When they are with their Granny and Pappy, we will hear “I’m bored”, and my typical response is “I am so happy for you”.  Of course, they just give me that “look” but I am being honest. It is in our boredom that we can come to know God, we can become more creative in finding things to do, or we can turn these hands the opposite way and use them for wrong doing.  It is our job as parents and grandparents to help our children understand how to be bored and that this is a time for our brain to rest and for us to find peace.  It is a time to learn to connect with nature, thus connect with God on a simple level children can understand. 

It is in Ecclesiastes that Solomon tells us there is a time and season for everything.  In verse 3:7, he states “A time to be quiet and a time to speak”.  He goes on to say “Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end”.  This brings us to the second Scripture listed in the beginning, “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. (Psalms 37:7)

Too many people today are caught up in what someone else is doing or getting.  Our children have become caught in this trap and they too worry about things they should not.  If only they were taught to “be still” they would know the Grace of God, the Peace of God and the assurance that He is God.  In this time they spend worrying, they could be spending time appreciating the many glorious things God has created for us to enjoy while we live out our daily lives. 

Some of this is too deep for children to understand, the main point is for the parents and grandparents.  Teach your children to “be still” so that they may be able to have a clear and open mind that will allow them to “know God”.  Don’t fill it up with technology, fill it with quiet time together, nature walks alone and talk about this great big universe that God created for us to enjoy and how wonderful He is for doing that.  You will find yourself connect at a deeper and more spiritual level with your child/grandchild and they will find themselves wanting to know more about God and all He has done for us. 

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Take a Music Break

5/23/2014

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Take a Music Break

“14 Now the Spirit of the Lord had left Saul, and the Lord sent a tormenting spirit (or an evil spirit) that filled him with depression and fear.

15 Some of Saul’s servants said to him, “A tormenting spirit from God is troubling you. 16 Let us find a good musician to play the harp whenever the tormenting spirit troubles you. He will play soothing music, and you will soon be well again.”

17 “All right,” Saul said. “Find me someone who plays well, and bring him here.”

18 One of the servants said to Saul, “One of Jesse’s sons from Bethlehem is a talented harp player. Not only that—he is a brave warrior, a man of war, and has good judgment. He is also a fine-looking young man, and the Lord is with him.”

19 So Saul sent messengers to Jesse to say, “Send me your son David, the shepherd.” 20 Jesse responded by sending David to Saul, along with a young goat, a donkey loaded with bread, and a wineskin full of wine.

21 So David went to Saul and began serving him. Saul loved David very much, and David became his armor bearer.

22 Then Saul sent word to Jesse asking, “Please let David remain in my service, for I am very pleased with him.”

23 And whenever the tormenting spirit from God troubled Saul, David would play the harp. Then Saul would feel better, and the tormenting spirit would go away.”  (1 Sam. 16:14-23, New Living Translation)

In our world today, many of us deal with bouts of depression, fear and anxiety.  Anxiety is a reaction of fear whether it is real or imagined.  In my practice I deal with many people who are troubled with these issues and are looking for that magic pill that will take this away.  I wish there was such a thing, but unfortunately, there is not, but God tells us a way that we can deal with these times in our life and that is listening to music.  The key component is this Scripture that may be missed is that it was not any music, but music played by David, whom the Lord was with. 

Today’s Christian contemporary music provides various genres and styles of music, a type and style for any event in your life.  What is important about these artists is that they are Spirit filled.  They are singing stories that are real and praises to our Lord that are uplifting and inspiring.  May people shun this music, even though it has grown in popularity in the past few years, without giving it a chance and spending time listening to it.  I will often challenge my patients who are dealing with issues of anxiety and depression to take one week and listen to only Spirit filled music.  Music that praises our Lord, that tell stories of His saving grace and how people have been rescued through their faith and trust in Him.  This challenge is meant to allow us to experience the power of music to soothe the soul, when it is Spirit filled music.

There are different types of Christian music, and one has to find an artist or genre that fits their taste, but we also have to be careful to play something that is appropriate for the mood we are facing.  We don’t want to play a tear jerker if we are already depressed and we also don’t want to play an up tempo song if we are trying to relax.  It is amazing the difference that people feel when they accept this challenge and follow it for a week.  They each find that it soothes their soul, releases the tormenting spirit that is bothering them and helps them to reconnect with God and His everlasting love and grace.

We have long been told and it has been proven that music can soothe the soul, but if it is not Spirit filled, is it really healing our condition or just helping us to push in down further in our soul only to come back another day.  When the music is Spirit filled, it can truly chase that tormenting spirit away and out of your mind and body.  It opens your heart and allows your heart to take over your body and bring peace to your soul that eliminates those bouts of depression and anxiety.  With our technology today, music is only an app away on our phones and ear buds are easily kept in our pockets.  There is no reason to not utilize what has been provided for us, to help us in those times of darkness that we will all experience.

So next time you find yourself in that darkness of depression or the turmoil of anxiety, take a music break, but not any kind of music break, take a Spirit filled music break.  I believe that you will find that this may be all you need to bring you out of your darkness and soothe you from your anxiety.  God showed us in the verses above how David was able to soothe Saul and this was at a time when Saul was not following God and God’s Spirit had left him.  God’s spirit can work for all of us, but we must first be open to letting Him in.

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Can You Hear Me Now?

7/11/2013

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“Can You Hear Me Now?”

It has been my experience that as our world becomes more fast pace and churches become larger, we seem to lose that interconnection that was once common.  I have attended and talked with many preachers over the years and many struggle to keep up with the demands of their members.  I have also seen those that have done an exceptional job of keeping in touch with those who truly need to be attended to.  Some of the solutions have been to assign the deacons or Sunday school teachers as the “mentor” for people and the philosophy is that as we get bigger we must get smaller and this means breaking down into smaller groups to where there is more connection with one another, but less connection with the pastoral staff.  I have yet to see that work in a way keeps everyone connected and the same Biblical principles applied consistently.

          It seems that many churches are stealing ideas from the corporate world to try to manage the larger number of members, but when I read the Bible, I see nothing that Jesus did that was corporate like.  Jesus went against the grain of what was set up by the Pharisees because it was too rigid and the people who really needed guidance were not the ones who were getting it.  As in many of today’s churches, the same thing is happening.  There are many members who reach out for help only to be neglected or forgotten about because they are not a prominent member of the church or of the social scene in the community.  It is my opinion that it is this problem that has led a lot of people away from church because of the rejection they have felt when they reached out and were denied attention by the Pastor or whoever they reached out to.  I often here excuses from preachers about busy schedules,  high demands, heavy workloads and that they often forget about the person who reached out, but you know………I don’t remember Jesus ever complaining about the many crowds that followed Him, or the extreme workload He was given…He just listened and attended to those who were in need at the time they requested it, I don’t believe I ever read in the Bible Him saying “let me get back to you”, or “we’ll talk soon”.

 Many of our pastors today should stop and look at their schedules and see where their time is spent.  If they are not meeting with members who are asking for help with their daily struggle, they are losing the battle of souls as well as membership. I know of one church that had risen to over 300 in attendance on an average Sunday, but because the pastoral staff quit listening to the members who were asking for help, they are now down to less than 100 and asking themselves “what happened”.   In speaking with a pastor that I respect, that was always available to any member or nonmember, he used Luke 15 and the parable of the lost sheep as his guide.

    So Jesus told them this story:  “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on         his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘ Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in  heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others  who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!  (Luke 15:3-7, NLT)

This pastor’s philosophy was simple, to him it did not matter how prominent you were or much you brought to the church, what mattered was those that were drifting, in need of rescuing, and reaching out for guidance, who were lost.  He often made those who were long term members of the church mad because they didn’t always get special attention or had to wait while he attended to someone who attended the church, but was not as involved as they were.  This pastor explained to me that it was that one lost sheep that meant more to him then the many who were righteous, and because of their righteousness, felt entitled to that immediate attention.

          As I write this, I am in the middle of one of those dilemmas, and as I think back over the many years I can only think of two preachers who followed this principle.  One of these preachers visited me often during a time of need and I wasn’t even a member of his church (and he wasn’t trying to recruit me either).  He saw a man with a soul that was drifting and he knew that by him guiding that lost sheep back to the pack where it belonged, he would be able to rejoice in knowing that another soul was saved.  He didn’t direct me back to church, he directed me back to Christ who then led me down the path that I was looking for.  If this is a problem for you, send this blog to your preacher or email me and we can discuss ways to get back in touch with Christ so that we will know his true path for us.  Let us not forget that preachers are human as well as sinners, just as we are, but they are held to a higher standard.  Unfortunately not all can reach all members, but what is important is that you are being led to Christ and not left to drift alone.  God Bless. 

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Why is Forgiveness So Hard

3/13/2013

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 “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Matthew 6:14-15 NLT

Forgiveness is one of those things that we all struggle with throughout our life. It is often when working with people I find that many of the issues they are dealing with is the ability to forgive someone who is hurt or harm them in the past. I have heard people state “I will never forgive them as long as I live” and I’ve also heard “I will forgive them when they…” Both of these statements are ones that confirm our inability to forgive as Christ has called us to. I believe the problem comes to understanding what forgiveness really is and what it looks like. I believe many people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation and also with forgetting, but these are all three different entities.

Forgiveness does not mean that the wrongs that were done to you were acceptable in any way; it does not diminish what was done against you nor is it a denial of what happened. It is a key part of letting those who have harmed you in the past no longer have control of view in the present and the future. Forgiveness allows us to let go and to move forward with our lives and it empties the pain so that there may be more room for love of our fellow brother or sister.

Forgiveness does not take away the consequences the other person will face because of their sin, we will all be judged by Christ and we will all have to account for the sins that we have done to one another on this earth. Forgiveness is about letting go of that desire you have to hurt the other person because that desire is a seed of evil that will lead you down a path of behavior that will become even more sinful. Forgiveness is not a comfortable process and is very difficult, but God provides us the grace and strength to forgive and to maintain a heart of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a weakness as many believe. It is one of the most powerful things you can do and is one of the most distrustful things in the eyes of Satan because it is he that does not want us to forgive but to continue to hurt, resent, and dwell on our pain.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people but it only takes one to forgive. The person that harmed us does not have to be accepting or even worthy of our active forgiving because forgiveness is one way and that one way allows us to release the control the other person has over us.

Forgiveness does not depend on others actions nor is it probationary or conditional. As Christ forgave us as a gift, He calls on us to do the same to others.

Forgiveness does not mean that we have to become a doormat and continue to allow a person to hurt us again and again. We have to take responsibility and not put ourselves into situations with people we know are going to hurt us or harm us. There are many people who believe that they can forgive someone over and over again but in reality this is not forgiving but condoning and in a blink of behavior that is unacceptable. In cases such as this, we should not look for approval from the person we are forgiving, the forgiveness does not require approval it is an act on our part to free ourselves from the control of the other person so that we may open our heart and be free to love others without malice and bitterness getting in the way.

Forgiveness sets us free to move on with our live and it allows us to refuse to let that person who hurt us have any power over our life. It opens up our relationship with God because we need His strength and guidance to work through our ability to forgive. Forgiveness keeps us from becoming bitter, from becoming like the person who hurt us, and protects those around us from being hurt by our actions caused by our own inability to forgive. When we look at the active forgiving we must understand that it is not only an act but a process.

The inability to forgive can cause physical problems such as lack of energy, sleeplessness, headaches, joint pain, or back pain. It can also be the root cause of depression and anxiety. Our inability to forgive can disrupt our lives to the extent that it can paralyze our life. We must remember that the opposite of forgiveness is un-forgiveness.  Un-forgiveness is like a cancer that eats away at the very soul of a person until the soul is destroyed and there is nothing but bitterness, anger, resentment and malice for the others. It is for this reason that we see the instruction in Ephesians 4:31-32, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”  These things listed are all results of someone who is unable to forgive. Christ gave us the ultimate example of forgiveness as a model for us to follow in if we follow, then our hearts will be open to forgiveness of others and will not be filled with such evil thoughts and behaviors.

People often will bring of situations such as child abuse, sexual crimes, and other horrible acts as being unforgivable. We must remember, we are not forgiving the act that occurred, nor are we forgetting that it occurred, nor are we trying to dismiss what happened. What we are trying to accomplish is to understand that that individual was created by God, lives on this earth as we do, and is full of sin just as we are. We never want to dismiss nor minimize harm that has come to a person but we must also recognize it for what it is in that is sinful behavior by an individual who deserves God’s grace just as much as we do. It is an act of humility to be able to forgive someone and it is an act of letting go so that we can move forward without having chains to hold us back or tie us down. We have all committed sins against other people and have hurt them often without even realizing it. Granted, our sins may not be as serious as others that we are all deserving of forgiveness whether we want it or not. We must be willing and able to pray for the person so that they may be enlightened to what they have done and realize the pain and hurt they have caused. Forgiveness is a one-way street; we forgive the other person whether they want it or deserve it because that is what Christ has called us to do.

We must live by the power of love and loving one another because we are all created by God in His image and it is this freedom of love that allows us to forgive, to move on, and rejoice in all that Christ has given us with in our lives. We are to be imitators of God and that means we are to forgive. In 1 Corinthians it explains the importance of love, “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every (13:4-7 NLT). As we read the description of love we must be able to forgive in order to be able to love.

If you are one that is struggling with forgiveness, we asked that you reach out for help in order to learn how to forgive and how to move forward. We are here to help in any way we can and walk you through the process of forgiveness according to God’s guidelines. It is not an easy process but one that is liberating and will create an environment of God’s love and grace that will be seen by all who surround you.

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Clean Hands

2/14/2013

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It seems nowadays that we as a nation have become obsessed with the washing and cleansing of our hands. It is truly understandable why we have become this way with so many viruses, diseases, and illnesses that are spread by hand-to-hand touching. Some people act as if this is something new when in reality I can remember as a youth over 40 years ago being asked if I had washed my hands before dinner and then have them checked by my mom before we set down to eat. There were many times that dirty fingernails sent me back to the bathroom sink. Clean hands are something that is important when we come into contact with others, the foods that we eat, and in general touching of one another as in friendship.

This concept of clean hands is not only used in referring to the sanitation of our actual hands but in the legal system is a reference to someone coming to court without any current pending legal litigation, liabilities, or outstanding warrants. You cannot come into court and ask a judge to grant you a court order for what you are asking if you have pending legal action against you. This is referred to as not having “clean hands”. The judge will not hear the case or will not decide in your favor if you do not have clean hands because it proves that you are not able to live within the laws of the land at the current time. I’ve sat in court many times and witnessed people attempting to sue someone over money or possessions, or even custody of children, only for them to walk away empty-handed because they did not have “clean hands.” It is not until they have proven that they are living within the law that the judge will actually hear what they have to say and consider ruling within their favor.

It is this concept of “clean hands” that started me thinking about prayers and why some prayers are answered and some seem to go unanswered. I have counseled many people who are living a righteous life and I see God living in their life and their prayers being answered in God’s time. Then I have also worked with those who believe they are living a righteous life, when in actuality they are not, and their prayers rarely become answered but they do not understand why. In the Bible it does state to fervently ask in prayer and you shall receive but it does not say when you shall receive it or under what condition. This concept of clean hands started me with a little research about our prayer lives and how that Christ is our ultimate judge, then how can we come to him in prayer without clean hands and expect them to be honored.

There are many Scriptures that reference prayer and how our prayer life is to be. If we look at Matthew 6, we are told not to babble on and asked over and over again and then we are given the Lord’s Prayer as an example to follow. In Luke 18, we are given the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector where the Pharisee “stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank you that I am not like other men – extortioners unjust adulterers or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week, I give tithes of all that I possess” (Luke 18:11-12 NKJ V).  While the tax collector stood “far-off would not even raise his eyes to the heaven, but beat his breast saying, God, be merciful to me a sinner!” (Luke 18:13 NKJV).  Jesus reply was in verse 14 and it says “I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted”.

As I studied, I started seeing the trend of having clean hands in order for our prayers to be answered. In James 5:16 it states “confess your trespasses to one another and pray for another that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” If you look at this verse in a different version it says “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.”  It is the confessing of our sins that creates the clean hands so that we may approach God with our prayers and He will listen” (NLT).

As I reflected in the Scriptures, I started remembering an old saying that I used to hear when I was young that I do not hear much today, and that is “clean hands, clean heart”. As I remembered that saying, it finally made sense to me what “clean hands, clean heart” meant. If our hands are clean, our hearts are clean and it allows us to approach Christ in prayer so that the things that we ask, if they are within his will, will be answered. On the other hand, what right do we have to expect Christ to answer our prayers when we approach him with dirty hands and a heart full of sin that we are unwilling to repent or confess? It is just like the judge who looks at the person who has filed suit against another but does not have clean hands. If you can’t live within the laws of this land then why should I grant you judgment in your favor based on the laws of this land?

In first Peter 3:7, we are even given individual instruction for men, for it says “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered” (NLT). So as a husband my instruction is to give honor to my wife and to treat her with understanding as we live together so that my prayers will not be hindered. I wonder how many husbands have actually read and understand the meaning of that verse?

I think Proverbs 15: 28-30 makes it plain, “ the heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words The Lord is far from the wicked,
but he hears the prayers of the righteous. A cheerful look brings joy to the heart; good news makes for good health” (NLT). The Lord is far from the wicked but he hears the prayers of the righteous, what a profound statement.

It seems that since God is a personal God, all people can offer prayers but not all people will have their prayers answered. Sinners who have not trusted Jesus Christ for the salvation will remain alienated from God and their prayers will go unanswered. They have not met the conditions laid down in the Bible for effectiveness and prayer. Effective prayer must be a scripturally informed response of a person who is saved by grace from the living God who in Christ Jesus paid the penalty for our sins through his blood on the cross.

So what makes a prayer and effective prayer? In order for it to be effective we must first have faith in Christ, we must worship him and recognize that he is of the highest worth in our life; not ourselves, our spouse, or others, only God. We must have adoration for God and his love for us and all that He has demonstrated through the gift of His son. Our lives should be expressed, as His has been expressed, in both our words, and our actions. We must give Thanksgiving for all things that we have received whether they are pleasant or unpleasant. As sinners we are not people of God by nature, we have no claim upon His mercy or grace. It is when we do not show gratitude for what God has given us, that we do not glorify him, that we are not be an effective in prayer. We must show dedicated action as a believer in Christ in order to have effective prayer. God did not call us to withdraw from society but to render service to the needy in the spirit of prayer and service. Our prayers can include a request, but not just a quest for our needs but also the needs of others. Prayer is a powerful tool that God has given us and the effective prayer can meet the inner needs of anyone. It will give us freedom from our fear, guidance and satisfaction, wisdom and understanding, deliverance from harm, reward, good gifts, fullness of joy, peace, and freedom from anxiety. Prayer can and will make a difference in your life and others if it is an effective prayer from a person with clean hands and a clean heart.

According to Nelson’s New Illustrated Bible Dictionary there are several hindrances to answered prayer and they are:

·       iniquity in the heart

·       refusal to hear God’s law

·       an estranged heart

·       sinful separation from God

·       waywardness

·       offering unworthy sacrifices

·       praying to be seen by people

·       pride in fasting and tithing

·       lack of faith

·       doubting or double mindedness (p.1023)

So when it comes to our prayer life, the term “clean hands” has a specific meaning. We must examine our own heart and the cleanliness of our hands and heart before we are to approach our Savior with prayer and expect it to be answered. As I worked in the counseling field I find in many people the lack of clean hands. As a society we have become afraid to stand up to someone and a question their motives for why they do what they do. As I sit and talk to those who are brokenhearted and cannot understand why God has not answered their prayer, I listened to the many things in their life that they have placed before God and the many ways in their life that they have replaced God’s law with their own version of law. So I ask each of you and anyone that reads this, before your next prayer sit down in a quiet spot and talk to God and confess your sins to him, repent of your sins, and clean your hands while you clean your heart so that he may listen to your prayer, and that it may be an effective prayer, and one that will be answered. For Christ is the judge of all and in order for us to be heard we must all have “clean hands, clean hearts”.

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10 Questions to Ask Yourself When Making Decisions

1/11/2011

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1.  Will it be spiritually profitable?

Will my doing this enhance my spiritual life?  By my doing this, will in increase my Godliness?

2.  Will it build me up? 

Will it put me on the path to greater spiritual maturity?  Will it add to my life things that increase my spiritual stability, strength, and maturity?  Will it strengthen me?

3.  Will it slow me down in the race to Christ?

Will it create baggage for me to carry during my life?  Will it cause enduring hardship?  Will it cause shame?

4.  Will it bring me into bondage?

Will it master me?  Will it become powerful in my life?  Will it take control of my life?  Will it control me?

5.  Will it hypocritically cover my sin?

Are you simply covering a previous sin?  Are you doing this to hide your previous errors or sins?  What is your motive?

6.  Will it violate the Lordship of Christ in my life?

Does it fit within what you believe is the will of Christ?  What does your conscience tell you to do?

7.  Will it help other Christians by example?

Am I doing something that sets an example for others to follow?

8.  Will it lead others to Christ?

Am I doing this with a view of winning someone to Christ?

9.  Will it be consistent with Christ-likeness?

What would Jesus do?  Would Jesus do this?

10.  Will it glorify God?

Are you doing it in His glory for Him? or are you glorifying yourself?

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    Author

    After spending 27 years working in retail, customer service and human resources, I realized that the majority of my days were spent counseling others.  I returned to school and received my bachelors degree in Psychology/Christian Counseling and have obtained a Master's degree in Pastoral Counseling/Marriage and Family Therapy. I am a Board Certified Pastoral Counselor through  the  American Association of Christian Counselors and the Board of Christian Professional and Pastoral Counselors.  I am licensed as a minister of Pastoral Counseling and an ordained minister through the National Association of Christian Ministers.


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